WELCOME TO QUADRANT QUERIES HOME OF THE RAGE SNAKE, MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
Karkat. That Is Not The Way To Start This Off.
Also it could be taken as somewhat provocative.
Actually, it frankly just doesn’t make any sense.
HOW IS THAT PROVOCATIVE? I’M ASKING PEOPLE TO ASK US QUESTIONS. I ASKED NICELY.
Disregarding Karkat’s Nonsense, For All Those With Relationship Woes We Will Be Giving Advice And Answering Your Questions On All Things Romantic And Platonic, Redrom And Blackrom, Pale And Concupiscent, Human Love And Friendship
My name is Rose Lalonde and I will be co-hosting this endeavor with the lovely Kanaya Maryam and ever eloquent Karkat Vantas.
DAMN RIGHT I’M ELOQUENT, YOU CAN TAKE YOUR SNARK AND SHOVE IT RIGHT UP YOUR-
Karkat, Please Watch Your Language
Karkat, if we cannot trust you to be cordial then we will have to take measures to prevent your crude language from going on air.
I Will Contact Sollux Immediately
YOU KEEP SOLLUX’S delicious MANGLED HEY! WHAT THE grue DID YOU DO? THAT’S NOT MY VOICE! YOU’RE MAKING ME SOUND LIKE A baby lobster ROBOT AND THIS IS LIVE! AND HOW DID YOU EVEN GET THIS lovely CENSOR ABOMINATION PROGRAMMED SO FAST? SOLLUX YOU glorious fancy BACKSTABBER!
hug YOU ALL.
Let Us See What Our First Question Is
OH YEAH, AND TAKE OUR ADVICE AT YOUR OWN RISK. IT’S AWESOME AND WILL TURN YOUR LIFE RIGHT ROUND, BUT DON’T COME SUING OUR hunk rumps IF YOU hug IT UP.
By Submitting A Query [Or Answer] You Are Also Giving Us Legal Consent To Publish This Advice Column Including Your Questions In Any Way We See Fit
For clarification, this may mean any or all of the following: tumblr, homesmut, live on air (including fillapod, soundcloud, youtube, and some nerd’s car), and possibly AO3 and other places not explicitly mentioned.
If You Failed To Sign Your Query, We May Create An Acronym Or Pseudonym For You, But We Will Not Use Any Other Name We Find (Such As Your Email Username) Unless You Placed It Into Your Query As Part Of Your Sign Off
ANONYMOUS ASKS ARE ALWAYS THERE TO COMFORT YOU IN YOUR SLEEP, WRIGGLERS. SHOW ME WHY I SHOULD FEEL GRATEFUL EVERY TIME I’M IN CALC III AND NOT HERE.
You are the only hope of him passing that class, dear listeners.
This question is from Business Pro, who writes (with excellent grammar I might add):
I recently became acquainted with someone during stressful professional circumstances that happened to intersect with stressful professional circumstances of his own. We have since taken up business together, though not without reservations on his part, because we have very different (and, he believes, incompatible) ideals for where our mutual business should go. We interact well on a personal level, having now become very close friends, and I am sure that my romantic interest in him is reciprocated. However, I am unsure if doing so would be wise, given our difference in professional opinions. What do you recommend?
OPEN TWO RIVAL COMPANIES AND BECOME KISMESES. IT WILL BE LIKE MAC DONALD AND THE BURGER KING - AN EPIC FOR THE AGES.
Our next letter is from Flounderin Foe, who needs to learn what a period is:
so i may or may not havve a quadrant query
but wwhat do you do wwhen you havve black feelins for someone and they clearly hate you but just dont wwant to admit it
because theres this guy and hes alwways givvin me mixed signals
like hes alwways sayin that heth tho dithguthted with me
and disgust is clearly some kinda synonym for hate but wwhenevver i tell him he hates me and i hate him and so wwe should clearly be together he alwways denies it
so wwhat do i do is i guess wwhat im askin
Karkat, I feel you are in fact best suited to advising this listener.
RIGHT, LET THE PROS HANDLE THIS ONE.
OUR NEXT QUESTION WAS ACQUIRED WHEN IT TOOK THE FORM OF A PAPER PLANE AND HIT ME IN THE BACK OF MY gargantuan HEAD IN PHILOSOPHY:
Is there something wrong with me if I freak out when a relationship gets remotely touchy feely? In general, with friends and family, I love hugs and cuddling but in each relationship I had so far, I had a most negative reaction whenever they try to touch me, like even the arm around waist/shoulder. It did not end too well and I’m wondering if this just my own inexperience and it’s something I need to get over, as that’s what people told me so far. Thank you!
Signed, Feeling Touchy
I DON’T sprinkles GET IT, BUT FROM THE LOOK ON LALONDE’S FACE SHE EITHER HAS A LOT TO SAY ABOUT THIS OR IS CONSTIPATED.
Your insight into the workings of my mind and bowels never ceases to amaze me, Vantas.
Regardless, there is indeed much to be said on the matter.
Actually Karkat It Is Time For An Advertisement Interlude
OH. IT’S 9:30 AM AND THIS IS QUADRANT QUERIES STREAMING NEURON BODYBUILDING SHAKES TO YOUR AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS ON KSBRB.
The Church of the Mirthful Messiahs is hosting a nonalcoholic drinks mix contest next Wednesday at 4pm at the church. The lucre for ‘most miraculous drink’ is a $100 gift card to the campus bookstore and a case of grape Faygo. All other participants receive as many religious pamphlets as they want, printed on magnets.
That covers our announcements for the day, so let us continue with the queries, shall we?
I have pale feelings for somebody and they recipricate, but their Matesprit is quite jealous and thinks we may become flushed. This is totally not going to happen, but how can I reassure them that I only want this to be a Moirailship? Yours, Diurnally Confused
Ah The Classic Clashing Of Pale And Flushed Passions
One moment, what is about to occur may be relevant to my thesis. Allow me to fetch a notepad.
Concupiscent Conundrum writes,
I have recently become acquainted with a woman, whom I believe is perhaps the most extraordinarily pitiful creature I have ever encountered. Unfortunately, she is presently my kismesis’s moirail. Disrupting my blackrom in such a potentially final manner is hardly something I desire, but I can’t get her out of my thinkpan. What should I do?
THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH THIS SITUATION IS HOW SUCH A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY HAS MANAGED TO FLY OVER YOUR HEAD LIKE THE KING OF SQUAWK-BEASTS.