Quadrant Queries

Day 2 Query 1: Whight Bread

Hello, and welcome back to another day of Quadrant Queries. As always, you are here with your hosts Rose Lalonde, Kanaya Maryam, and Karkat Vantas who, thanks to the forgiving nature of our faculty sponsor, remains a member of the team here.

Thank The Faculty Sponsor Karkat

GO eat chalk. YOU CAN’T SILENCE ME.

We Would Not Have It Any Other Way

Truly, it would have been a tragedy to lose you.

OK. I’M GOING TO BE THE MATURE ONE HERE AND INSIST WE START THIS THING OFF BEFORE I AM DRIVEN TO VIOLENCE AGAINST THE BOTH OF YOU.

IT IS WAY TOO EARLY TO DEAL WITH YOUR gilgamesh.

Help me. Two days ago, I ran into a man online, now he is sending me miggisigs about how I will be the best wife ever because I am whight. I just want him to go away.

Signed, Whight Bread

WHAT.

THE ENTIRE.

flibbertigibbet.

I Believe They May Have Meant To Type Wight

KANAYA, WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME WE HAVE WIGHTS ON CAMPUS?

This is certainly surprising.

Yes I Never Thought Our Advice Would Be Needed By The Undead

ARE WE… ANSWERING A QUESTION ABOUT NECROPHILIA RIGHT NOW?

IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING?

It would appear so.

HELPING ZOMBIES DODGE THE dingdongs OUT OF NECROPHILIACS, RADIO KSBRB LADIES AND GENTLETROLLS.

I AM ACTUALLY MARGINALLY HAPPY TO BE HERE TODAY.

KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.

Kanaya, if you have any ideas on how to salvage this question, by all means…

Well Caller

That Is Awfully Presumptuous Of The Man To Assume That Just Because You Are Of The Wight Race That You Will Be An Excellent Wife

Does He Assume Your Rotting Limbs Will Prevent You From Leaving Him

Or Perhaps He Somehow Believes That Undeath Has Given You Excellent Skill In The Kitchen

Far Be It From Me To Condemn Interracial Relationships But His Interest In You Seems Unhealthy At Best And Disturbingly Fetishistic At Its Most Likely

SO YOU’RE DEFINITELY RIGHT IN WANTING TO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM THIS CREEP.

HE IS THE DISTILLED VERSION OF “I DESERVE TO DATE YOU BECAUSE I LIKE HOT GIRLS” AND ASKING FOR MARRIAGE WITHOUT EVEN GETTING “YES” TO A DATE.

TELL HIM YOU’RE ALIVE AND NOT ONLY THAT, YOU’RE A DUDE. THAT’LL STOP HIM IN HIS TRACKS.

WHY HAVEN’T YOU BLOCKED THIS GUY ON EVERY ONLINE APPLICATION YOU HAVE?

ALSO, WHAT THE cartwheel IS A MIGGISIG?

IS THAT SOME KIND OF MAGGOT?

WHY WOULD YOU SEND THAT TO A ZOMBIE, YOU UNFEELING PAN-ROTTED WASTREL?

THEY EAT FLESH.

HERE HONEY I GOT YOU A BOUQUET OF CHEW YOUR ARM OFF SLOWLY.

WHAT AN UNBELIEVABLE BULBOUS tubesock.

You are in rare form today, Karkat.

YOU’RE WITNESSING MY BOTTLED UP ESSENCE OF QUERY, COALESCED FROM WHEN I WAS COOLING MY HEELS IN THE SLAMMER.

You mean the 45 minutes we spent in our sponsor’s office?

Wherein I made it a point to sit on his desk in order to discourage you from flipping it?

Which did not end up discouraging you from attempting to flip it?

IT’S HIS FAULT FOR BUYING FURNITURE FROM IKEA. IT JUST LENDS ITSELF TO FLIPPING.

AND YES, IT WAS VERY GOOD FOR MY CREATIVE PROCESS.

FLIPPING THE DESK WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN BETTER, THAT THING LOOKS LIKE THREE TWIGS WITH A PLANK ON IT.

IT WAS MADE TO BE UPSIDE DOWN.

We Are Getting Off Track Here

This Kind Of Person Generally Does Not Listen To Any Reason Do Not Waste Your Energy Telling Him You Are Uninterested

Block This Man That Is All You Can Do

If He Continues To Find Ways To Pester You Contact The Proper Authorities And Have Him Dealt With

OR SUCK OUT HIS SOUL. YOU CAN DO THAT, RIGHT?

Karkat, that’s racially insensitive.

RIGHT, SORRY, THAT WOULD MAKE YOU HAVE TO GET CLOSE TO HIM, AND IT PROBABLY TASTES LIKE THE ALLEY BEHIND A BAR.

Shall We Move On

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